why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies