My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Guy who likes music
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them