Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
You Might Also Like
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)