God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
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It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
This forever.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
*exercises sarcastically*
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions