I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
some cats are just doing for fun!
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman