The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…