Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.