The eclipse was like April fools for birds
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Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?