Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I’M CRYINGGG
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?