This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.