Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
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Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company