Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.