Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The glory of fall.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.