No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
You Might Also Like
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.