[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
You Might Also Like
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Beware of the “party goblin”…
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.