I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
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the three branches of government
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
@funTweeters
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.