Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I’d hang this in my house.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.