[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.