5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
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If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Science memes
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
What do you hear?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there