Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
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Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope