People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
This is why I hate group projects
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: