Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*