If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.