What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.