when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
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All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts