[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.