mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
🤣dope
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered