My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident