people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
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Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
This tweet has been deleted
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards