I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
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Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
When ur friends with white people
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.