waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.