Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
You Might Also Like
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.