A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.