I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
There’s no “us” in nachos.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]