[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Try and stop me.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.