Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
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*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all