The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.