*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?