Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
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“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.