Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
You Might Also Like
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
We have a winner.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I told my vodka about you.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?