Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
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Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Every work call, he judges.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
somebody come look at this
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
This checks out
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.