Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Oh hi lol
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?