Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise