Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
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[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
me and the Superbowl rn
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Still cracks me up
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.