I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
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Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Actually cracking up @ this
Is fake venison called venisn’t
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it