*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.