me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
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You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.