Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy