My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
my fav colour is also hitler