i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
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[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
your elf on the shelf was delicious
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.